Passive not active

Just wanted to put out an update on my family and the funeral today. Thanks to everyone for your concern and thoughtful cards, flowers and e-mails.

Today was the funeral, which was not as bad as I expected. Since my entire family has been together pretty much every day since Friday, we've all kind of cried it out already. By this point, we all knew what we had to do today and were just working to get through it. The upsetting thing was seeing so many people who had come to say goodbye to Gram who were just being upset for the first time.

I was proud of myself that I held it together pretty well. I teared up when my co-workers came through the receiving line, partially because Julie, my co-worker with personal space issues, was not only tearing up herself, but also hugged me. Love ya, Jul! I also got through pretty much the entire eulogy before I teared up. I tried to take a deep breath to compose myself so I could move on, but that didn't really work so I just blew through the last few lines and tried to make myself as intelligible as possible.

After the cemetery, complete with bagpiper playing "Amazing Grace," (which was the hardest part) we had lunch at the Radnor Hotel, which is a very smart establishment and what Gram wanted. My Pop seemed to be hanging in there pretty well, though we were all tired by the time Kevin and I left at 3 p.m.

Now I am just dealing with the fact that Gram is dead. For the past six days, I've been saying that "my grandmother died," which seems to be a very active verb. She died. It sounds like the action was done by her, she was still in charge. But now, I have to face the fact that she's dead. So passive and so permanent. I won't see her again in this life. I won't get to see her clueless smile when you talk to her because she never put her hearing aids in, but she knew you were talking, so she would smile and nod. I'll never have to get her purse again so she can put her perscription sunglasses on to read cards or newspapers. I'll never hug what turned into a frail little shoulder. We just have the memory of these things to hold on to.

Class starts tomorrow night (I had it tonight too but am skipping it) so updates may be more infrequent. Take care and hug your grandmother!