Tiger Woods, I am not

The following are a few golfing scenarios that Kevin has insisted I post for posterity. I want you all to realize that my pride will be taking a hit in the next few lines, as these stories are quite embarrassing. I know that our future children are going to be so mortified by their mother at times like these.

We played in a golf tournament with our friends Leanne and Steve last Friday. In preparation for said tournament, about two weeks ago we went to the local driving range. I haven't hit a golf ball in at least a year, maybe two, so it was a necessity before we wasted our time on the links. At our driving range, you pay for whatever size bucket of balls you want, they give you a receipt with a code on it. You take it to a machine where you place a bucket under a dispenser, input the code and it distributes the appropriate amount of balls.

What's the funniest thing you could imagine happening in this scenario? Maybe the ball machine blows up and rockets golf balls everywhere? Maybe it won't stop belching golf balls into our bucket and people are running up to get free buckets-full? Maybe I forget to put a bucket out at all and the golf balls bounce all over creation, creating a loud and unmanageable ruckus for all the world to see?

Bingo, bango. You've got it.

I didn't realize there was no bucket under the spout, and that Kevin had gone to look for one. As I was punching the last number on that receipt, Kevin exploded with a litany of "JACKJACKJACKJACKJACKJACKJACK!" which I must say was not productive in helping to point out what I was doing wrong. No bucket, out bounced the balls. A nice man brought over his bucket for me and said, "had to learn the hard way, huh?"

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Days later, at our golf tournament, we are playing fairly well for three suckers and a guy who loves golf. I am thrilled because I got a free glove in the pro shop, courtesy of the tournament. No more irritating blisters on my left hand. Bully for me.

Kevin and I are riding our cart out into the rough, to retrieve my ball on the way to his, which we are playing. Instead of just leaning out of the cart and scooping it up, I decide to jump from the cart to pick it up.

Those carts move fast.

Underestimating the speed, I hit the ground and decelerated like a meteor to earth. I managed to do a barrel roll to avoid any serious injury, grass-staining only my new glove and not an inch more, and landing right in front of the cart as Kevin slammed on the brake with a squeak. I jumped up, looking around to see if anyone saw me. The Russian judge gave me an 8. No audience, not even our friends, who I of course had to tell as soon as they joined us.

At dinner later, one of my co-workers who I'm sure will now never forget me came over and asked "Did you jump or did he push you?"

Tiger Woods, I am not.







Edit: Just wanted to say that in addition to acting like a wonk, I also looked like one. I like to call this hairstyle "golfhead." See later posts for an explanation of similar hairstyles, like bushead.

Smooth...f'real

Since I had the shakes after work today, I stopped at Wawa for something sweet. I was hooked on their milkshakes a few months ago, but this time I grabbed a new smoothie, thinking that was probably better for me. After shaking it myself to the desired thickness, it turns out that the smoothies are not only better for you, but better tasting!! If you need a cool treat, get to Wawa and have a smoothie today!!

Most amazing cheesecake ever

I had this at a party today - it was lighter than your run-of-the-mill cheesecake with an amazing crust that had almost a lemon zest taste to it. I just had the smallest slice, and it was totally amazing. It looks like they only serve Mercer county, but I think it would be worth it to take a trip there!

If you're in the neighborhood, order one up for yourself!

Getting there

Although we officially finished our kitchen project months ago, we have been putting off the tile backsplash with the excuse that we didn't have time. This past week, my brother Frank, Kevin and I installed the slate tiles about 5 1/4 inches from the countertop up the wall. They look great and it the process went very well, though we could not have done it without Frank! We just have to clean up some of the grout and then seal the tile (since they are open stone, not ceramic) 10 days after the grout has cured and then we'll caulk and be done. Only one window to trim and one table/chair set to buy, and then we are REALLY done.

The last macaw

For those of you who've had the pleasure of visiting us in the past six months or so, you know that our neighbors (not the ones we're attached to, but the other ones) have inherited some type of tropical bird. For quite some time, it has been inside the house squawking. We would not have known what it was if we hadn't run into the wife, Hillbilly Harriet we will call her, at a local watering hole with my folks. They only really talk to my dad. For whatever reason, they never engage in conversation with us, which is fine by me. They probably think we're snobs because we put up an eight foot fence so we wouldn't have to look at their junky compound.

So, Hillbilly Harriet tells us that it's a beautiful large bird. Her brother, Jailbird Joey, told us the cage was so big he could fit in it and it felt just like home. Hmm. So, we listened to it squawk from inside their house, many times feeling like they were prodding it with hot pokers, as it more often sounded like a velocaraptor than a bird of paradise.

For those of you who don't know, our dining area has a window that looks directly onto their front porch. We are three feet apart, and often they will sit out there, talk loudly to each other or on the phone and smoke directly into our window. I find this to be generally unfair because they have a property the size of twice of ours, with a large deck and pool, yet choose to sit in as close proximity to us as possible. Sometimes living in Bridgeport has all the charm of a world-class sewage system. Thankfully, this is the window we've put our air conditioning unit in and I have to say, we could not have made a better choice.

On Saturday, I was delighted to come downstairs in the a.m. to see that Kevin had made a discovery. "Look out the window," he said. What to my wondering eyes should appear but a giant cage holding a very large white bird captive, its beady black eye peering into our house. Brilliant.

With the air conditioning on, we really can't hear it in the front room. But the rest of the house, with windows open to ventilate the scant breeze that exists in our concrete jungle, resounds with the cacophonous song of this thing, which I now believe to be a cockatoo. Last night, they taught it to say "Aflac." They've also purchased three smaller, colorful parakeets that I'm sure will add to the glee. It's turning into quite a little menagerie, as they already had two small dogs and at one point, an enormous groundhog in a cage. This is all in addition to the general melee which takes place there on a regular basis, which last evening involved a lot of screaming obscenities and "I hate you!"s. My home, my haven.

I don't know what we did to deserve this, but I sure wish I did so I could take it back 100-fold. If this doesn't make you want to visit us soon, I don't know what will!!

Baby tea leaves

So recently, I've been missing my mom's homemade iced tea. Since I'm trying to cut out added sugar, I decided to make a batch with a sugar substitute, like Splenda. AND, I put a light summer twist by using Snapple's white tea bags with strawberry flavor. The tea brews up to a light amber color and is super sweet, making it perfect and refreshing for summer. Get a box and make mom's tea today!

Boil 4 qts water in an 8 qt pot
When the water just reaches a boil, throw in 12 tea bags (would advise removing the tags and tying them in bunches by their strings). I think with white tea, like green, you're supposed to brew it just at the boil or below so you don't "burn" it. I did leave the burner on for a few mores minutes but removed it shortly thereafter.
Allow to steep, but before it cools completely, add 2 cups of sugar (or Splenda)
Steep for 3 hours
Add 4 more quarts of water and pour into pitchers/containers

It certainly takes time, but it's worth it for homemade iced tea. Enjoy!